It bothers me that Jonathon dismisses the find of the dagger so easily. Tower Spit! Does he not know what a treasure such as this is worth to me? Likely not, he grew up with dwarven craftsman and has seen weapons like this his whole life. Well it matters not what he thinks. Nibbler is an upgrade from the rusty blade I was using previously. I'll need to speak to Sterling about proper care and maintenance of such a weapon. He's always fussing with his equipment so surely he'll have some pointers for me. Perhaps I'll even get a closer look at the blade he claimed.
Jonathon's criticism aren't without merit. While my companions and I lived through the day, one of the people Eranin sent us to save did not. I hope he does not subtract this death from the gold he has paid us. Delian and Jonathon have come to words over this. Delian faulted Jonathon for his rash actions. For going in when the rest weren't prepared and for not having a plan. Yet, I can't fault Jonathon. He acted and followed his principles. My own instincts are to act, to just get the job done. Yet, I can't help but wonder if a plan might have aided us.
Another possibility tugs at me. I wonder if my own skill isn't up to the task. I had that one thug dead to rights! Six take me, but my shot should have dropped him. He didn't even see me. My bolt hit home between his ribs. It should have killed him. Instead he raised his halberd and killed that poor man. Delian and Jonathon are busy pointing blame at one another, but I fault myself. I feel that I have much to offer, but that I'm always falling short of what's required of me.
The bear we encountered in the caves was a terrifying sight! Ogre's Eyes, I thought Bug Bears were bad, but this beast was colossal! Braddoc's plan of dropping the gate on the creature was genius. As I reflect back on the encounter I realize that I was gripped with fear and for several moments was unable to act. My hands still shake as I think of it. I'll need to mask this trembling lest the others question my abilities. I can't let them know how truly terrified I was, this group is as close to a family as I've known. I don't want to loose them, I don't want to be cast out.
My thoughts now turn towards Delian's speech to the group. His words were harsh, yet he spoke with such conviction. I'd always heard that those who followed the Silver Flame were steadfast in their beliefs, perhaps this is an example of that. I wonder though if Delian isn't trying to subvert Jonathon and the Sovereign Host. My limited knowledge of the Silver Flame is that they don't have time for many other beliefs. I'll have to pay closer attention to what Delian says. It's all fine and well to believe in something, but not if it sabotages our group!
I also think I'm going to need to learn Dwarven! It angers me that Jonathon would insult the rest of us by speaking openly to Braddoc in a manner the rest could not understand. Clearly they shared some jest at the rest of our expense! Jonathon tries to live a life of honour, always quoting how this deity or that deity influences his actions. Then he deliberately slights us. If he has something to say, he should say it so that we can all hear and understand it. I know that Larien would never do such a thing.
Such thoughts tire me. Though I enjoy this new freedom I've discovered and I yearn for the next new adventure. I have come to realize that life was simpler back at the guild house. When all I needed to worry about was cleaning the stables and unloading freight. I'm afraid those days are gone for good. I miss them in a way, I realize I've lost some innocence. Though my life has never been easy, I'd managed to find a place. Now as we travel I question whether I'm up to the task, if the road Olladra has placed me on is right for me. I suppose I'll just have to trust and to do my best.